- Goodnight.
-
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
tearful_whisper- May 4th, 3:28
I have moved. I will contact you if I plan on adding you to my flist.
- i'd like to shop for clothes instead of men, but i go to college.
-
- tearful_whisper
- April 25th, 4:15
oh my my my
things are certainly becoming a mess around here, aren't they? it's been a while since i was afraid to lose a friend but it's about to happen if he continues to be a royal pain in the ass.
hmm... make that two friends.
and i have decided that i will be relying on fate to make my decisions in the future. when i make decisions myself, i either chicken out, or make the wrong choice (asapple_scruffer will tell you, i usually chicken out, wink wink nudge nudge). ergo therefore and henceforth, my life decisions will be working towards not being made by me.
i wrote a minimalism piece today for the same harmony class whose paper is due Monday. The project is not due until finals week, but being the little freakazoid that I am about stupid ideas, got a jumpstart on it and obsessed over it for a consecutive three hours to get it just right. There are jokes everywhere in it... I want you to see and hear it but idk how to get MIDI files uploaded anywhere that isn't chock full of virii. Soooo... i'm gonna try and get it youtubed on the day we bring it in to class and the mini-orchestra plays it. It's really cool! I've named it "The Unified Theory of Everything Forever, or Einstein Goes To Bed" and see the joke is that the unified theory is 42 (and since i figured it out, Einstein can finally sleep)... so every four and two measures, respectively, the bassoon plays a measure of repeated notes... I wanted a 7 against 6 rhythm but I didn't have the patience to work it out properly so there is a 7-note melody line, and a 6-note melody line, but they don't start at the same time so it won't take 42 notes for them to come back together... boo. I also thought it was pretty funny that I was given 7 instruments to work with but could only think of decent parts for six of them... band humor.
Jerry noticed I'm doing better and that I'm this close to not needing his assistance anymore.
And also, fcuk love.
- This is the moment, the greatest moment of them all.
-
- tearful_whisper
- April 23rd, 3:39
Tonight was Karaoke night at a local venue. I tagged along with BoOdy, Cory, and Age for the fun and let me tell you, I had a blast and a half!
I sang Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive which would seem cliche except that it was a gay bar, AND I know how to rock the shit out of that song. By the end of it everyone was dancing along and I blew out my voice because Age and I had been singing along to most of the other stuff being done. A while after that Age and I did Take Me Or Leave Me, and once again, that entire house was jumpin'! Ain't much better than singing a song the straight people have deemed out-of-date and getting thunderous applause.
Anyways, I'm in serious need of bed. I have an 8:30 class.
- Feels like home again, I should have done this way sooner.
-
- tearful_whisper
- April 21st, 10:24
Today, I've resumed a medication regimen. I'm on Focalin at the moment, 30mg, and let me tell you, the cottonmouth is completely worth it. My work today is going to be stellar. If only I could get the assignment for tonight from Gene, I'll be golden.
It'll happen. Gene's responsible, as far as I know.
I feel like if I met anyone who's been a druggie, they would say I'm high right now. Focalin's basically speed, right? I've been super friendly to everyone today, like I've said hello to EVERYONE minus the like two people who looked hostile.
You should see me, I'm typing like a billion miles an hour right now.
George's parking ticket appeal didn't go through. I'm contemplating whether to pay it or to ask him whether he can. I said I could cover it but I've heard nothing back on whether there will be recompense. Whatever, I can afford $15 if he can't (even though I know he can).
I must shower, I have a lunch date with some amazing people today.
tl;dr: I AM SMILING AND IT IS GOOD
Oh also my only concern is whether I'll come down really hard off of it tonight; there will be updates. Good Lord I must really be affected by this, I could type forever and I never feel like that, I should start working on my paper...
My mouse's battery is dying. FINALLY.
- When you wrote me off like I was doomed, I survived you.
-
- tearful_whisper
- April 21st, 2:04
You know, I can always tell when my cycle is coming around to the unpleasant part. There are a couple things that happen.
1. My face decides to take the A-train to Grossville and take a vacation there until Aunt Flo leaves
2. Everything I eat gives me indigestion
3. I feel like something is missing, I've either lost it, or I'm trying to remember what it is I lost
Isn't that weird? It's like clockwork. When I start feeling like I'm missing something, I usually flag myself down and prepare for a hell week. The cramps have gotten a bit better, but they're still consistently bad. I'm overmedicated the entire week it happens.
Not much has changed. I went to Dr. Valenti today, and he fixed up my shoulders, back and neck. I forgot (rather, had hoped it wouldn't happen) that he uses this technique that involves neatly snapping your head at just the right angle to realign the vertebrae in your neck, and when he did it I was NOT ready for it... yet it helped enough that I didn't really care.
However, the weirdest part was when he used the machine thingie on my back. It's like a mechanical massager of sorts; it has these pads that are set into your back and some heavyish material's laid on top of them so that once they're activated (they vibrate at varying speeds), they act as two halves of a massager. It's so weird. But anyways, in the middle of that treatment, the things decided to cause both of my shoulders to completely seize up. Something else I wasn't ready for; after five seconds the muscles were relaxed but I still don't know exactly how those things manipulated my back like that.
As odd as that whole shindig seemed, I walked out of the office feeling completely new; if you're in the area and need a chiropractor, please for your sake, tell me and I will get you his number. It usually takes less than a week to be able to get in to see him; a day or two if you're a loyal customer. And he's the nicest guy!
Anyways, I digress.
I'm tired of being nice. It's to the point that even when I know I'm not okay with something, I go ahead and go along with it because it'll make someone else happy. I'm all about altruism, but there's a limit... The worst part, when I try to make things go my way, I get my face spit on. So it's like, what the fuck's the point in trying? I might as well be a doormat because when I finally grow a pair and stand up for myself, I get laughed at from all the time I've spent under people's feet. I'm so tired of it.
I must try to sleep. Goodnight.
- Find your own way back home.
-
- tearful_whisper
- April 19th, 23:38
I can safely say that I cannot stand things right now. I thought I'd be okay with being alone a lot of the time, but I'm used to being at home, where being alone doesn't happen. It's killing me. And I know I say I'm over being single, but I really can't come to grips with the fact that I don't have someone to come over and cuddle and watch a movie, or just come and BE there with me. This is what I get, for letting my entire high school and most of my college career roll along with me remaining on someone's arm.
I never did the whole gaggle-of-girls scene. Not my thing. So the sorority didn't work out, and I'm now struggling with the female friendships I have. Women are just... we're such a hassle. Half the time I don't know why men bother. Not only that, but until a few years ago I didn't even hang out with people my age. The majority of them are very immature, and that bugged me. I'd hang out with the adults, or else go pretend I was a mother to all the young kids. It was a cool time. College shoved me into close quarters with many people I'd not hang out with otherwise. They're not my type. I don't think I wholly belong here.
And people in general are just really ignorant of each other. They get so caught up in themselves; what THEY are doing, what THEY want, and where THEY are going. They don't seem to care about the people they interact with on a daily basis. It makes me so mad, that people are so inconsiderate of others.
.....
I don't miss being in love. I miss having someone to care about who cares about me too. I miss the smooshy phone calls to say goodnight and the stupidly adorable text messages during the day about the dumb stuff that happened. I may not miss the people they were from, but I miss the fact that it used to happen. I've felt an awful lot like the phrase "always the bridesmaid, never the bride" has been VERY a propos as of late.
I need that medication to get my life together and get over the stupidity of all this.
- Too tired for topics
-
- tearful_whisper
- April 14th, 17:36
OMG LAST NOTE FTMFW NOTHING IS EDITED
- I'm on a boat!
-
- tearful_whisper
- April 8th, 11:19
I haven't had much to say. Mostly, it's all about the same person, and you don't need to keep hearing about that. He and I are not going to date. We never were dating. Yet he's comfortable enough around me to be affectionate... but see, here I go again wondering about things that cannot and should not happen. We work better as friends.
...
Ok fuck I have a story. Damn it.
We took over the con last night, basically, and after having spent a good hour and a half in the practice rooms, we decided to explore the rest of the place, and discovered that Gamble was free and open.
Well, I found it because he was in the restroom, and I walked in and began to sing. Quietly at first, because I get shy and weird, and it was my Schopfung aria, but by the end I was blasting my voice to new levels. The acoustics in there when it's empty are shocking and beautiful. So I finished the song, and he got up there and sang a song too. Then it got interesting and a tad weird.
I did Broken Vow, the Josh Groban song... acting it out to him (mind you, it's all about a woman who's been deeply hurt by the man who seems to have left her emotionally), and he went along with it, following up with this song that sounded like he'd written it. The lyrics, according to what I know about him, we're almost exactly a replica of his life. It spoke of his family and the things he had to do growing up, stuff like that. So, in a sense, he had assumed the role of despairing husband on his last strings. I wish I could remember the song title.
I followed with A New Life from Jekyll and Hyde, playing the role of a wife who'd finally had enough and was leaving. He follows up with "So In Love" from Kiss Me, Kate.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is what we call a mindfuck.
Trying to move on, I closed it out with We Can Work It Out, having forgiven this "husband" and looking for a compromise.
Tonight's gonna be tons of fun.
- Too tired for topics
-
- tearful_whisper
- April 6th, 22:59
I want someone to ask me to a dance for once.
- Too tired for topics
-
- tearful_whisper
- April 5th, 2:11
fuck
my
life
- Too tired for topics
-
- tearful_whisper
- April 4th, 22:47
I have decided that it's too much strain on myself to continue to think it will ever progress past a friendship in which I am a keycard to a building he can't access without me. I am being used in this friendship. He cannot get into the conservatory at night without me, and I have come to believe that is the only reason he truly needs me there. He does not need another voice; he just needs that card I possess.
Sad day for me. I've felt like a giant letdown to everyone I've come into contact with today. And I'm starting to wonder if I actually suffer chronic depression, which would really suck for me because I'm about to go back onto focus meds. I can't do it anymore. If I don't begin medication soon, I'm afraid I'll do terribly in my finals, and I really can't afford to do badly, even if my GPA is better, loads better than last semester.
I miss having the kind of care for someone that makes them need you in their life as more than a crutch or a passcode and vice versa.
I do NOT like feeling like this.
- Too tired for topics
-
- tearful_whisper
- April 3rd, 14:17
I am this close to giving up on ever being in a relationship. It's just not worth it.
I want to nap.
- this is coming to a coffee shop with me someday.
-
- tearful_whisper
- April 2nd, 0:44
Are you listening?
This is taken at a medium fast pace to begin with, and by the end the words are just streaming out of the performer's mouth like there's no tomorrow.
Very close I'll only say it once I love you
We're you listening?
Cuz I'll say it once again my dear I love you
It's a funny fact of life that I could never quite maintain
And the funniest part of all this is I'll never be the same
Because my darling
I've discovered a brand new life and I love you
You're so charming
With your eyes your smile your nose your face I love you
There's a silly little question I've been meaning to ask you
And I'd much appreciate an answer very very soon
Here we go now
Here's my question for the night, do you love me?
Please don't rush it
Cuz we both know that doesn't work do you love me?
I can think of all the ways you might react to this new scene
And I must admit the likely answer to it I'm not keen
But the question
Running through my head all day and night you are there
Making me think
That you're always every day going to be there
So the final time I'll ask you do you love me back do you?
Cuz there's never been someone whom I love more than I love you.
- The best survey invented to date.
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- tearful_whisper
- April 1st, 20:20
Using only song titles from one artist, cleverly answer these questions.
Pick a band/artist: Elton John
1. Are you male or female: Island Girl
2. Describe yourself: They Call Her The Cat
3. How do you feel about yourself: The Bitch is Back
4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: It's Getting Dark in Here
5. Describe your current boy/girl situation: Philadelphia Freedom
6. Describe your current location: Porch Swing in Tupelo
7. Describe where you want to be: Crocodile Rock
8. Your best friend is: My Elusive Drug
9. Your favorite color is: Blue Eyes
10. You know that: Sorry Seems to Be The Hardest Word
11. What’s the weather like: Answer in the Sky
12. If your life was a television show what would it be called?: Freaks in Love
13. What is life to you: All That I'm Allowed
14. What is the best advice you have to give: Don't Let The Sun Go Down on Me
15. If you could change your name what would you change it to?: Levon
- listen to yourself, now say it again.
-
- tearful_whisper
- March 29th, 1:07
I have given up so many things this semester to keep my grades up. I have given up parties. I have given up lunch dates. I have given up quality time with people I care about. But you... you are different. I have long since learned not to give up things like these for people, but I have given up other things because you needed me.
I gave up on waiting around for you to acknowledge what we should be and should have been. I gave up on hoping that you'd not only realize that there is a connection, but think to act on it like someone would if they were genuinely interested. I gave up thinking I could end up dating you because I knew that wasn't what you thought you wanted. I gave up wanting to fall for you because I couldn't without severe consequences on your part and mine.
All this I gave up because you needed a friend, someone to hold close to you and ensure that your world doesn't fall completely apart. And I have been a friend, but suddenly you are pushing me away. I want to hold you close and tell you that you will be alright, and that things will somehow work out for you. I cannot do that if you make up excuses and disappear so that I cannot contact you. I cannot do that when you get upset and DON'T want to see me. The only way I can help is if I can actually be there. But you have to understand - my circumstances are not like yours. I can't drive somewhere to meet you because I can't drive a car I don't have. And as much as I wish my parents didn't care when I got home, they do - I am not an adult in their eyes.
I want to be there for you. You want me in your life? Stop pushing away something that has been going so well so far. You might be psychologically used to doing that, but if you hadn't noticed, enough pushing actually pushes people away. You shan't lose me as a friend, but that will end up being all I can be to you if this continues.
You said you needed me... here I am.
- Too tired for topics
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- tearful_whisper
- March 27th, 3:57
Ohhh, oh Cory. The better times in my life right now would not be possible without you, so thank you, my dear, for making it possible for me to completely enjoy myself while I'm here.
- Too tired for topics
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- tearful_whisper
- March 26th, 11:54
I have calculated on the low side my GPA for this semester so far.
3.045 assuming low grades for the ones I was unsure about.
Guys this is effing amazing!!! So much better than I did last semester... anyways, shower BYE
- running in circles, chasing our tails
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- tearful_whisper
- March 25th, 23:46
How has your day been going?
-It's been very okay. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Who was your last argument with?
-Ryan Haverty. More political arguments. How does this keep happening? I hate debates.
How are you feeling right now?
-Argumentative. I hate it.
If you could change any one thing in your life right now, what would it be?
-The fact that I'm alone because of my shortcomings.
Did anything interesting happen this past weekend?
-I had my junior recital and performed a one-line solo at Dover
Who was the last person you talked to?
-my roommate
Who was your last text from?
-My little brother :)
Who was the last person you hugged who was not in your family?
-Stefka? maybe?
What is your relationship with the person in the last question?
-We're awesome together.
What's your relationship status?
-Simperingly single. ;D
What do you see right now?
-A big medieval mess.
Is someone texting you right now?
-They were, but I think he went to bed.
Are you listening to any music right now?
-Nope, but I just watched two tesla coils sing Zelda: http://smogr.com/2009/03/legend_of_zelda_theme_on_two_tesla_coils.html
And my roommate found M&Ms.
Is it cold outside right now?
-Ehh. It was chilly when I came back from the rave but WCD says it's 54 out.
Is school still going right now? If yes, how many days are left?
-Yeah, I'm not counting the days though. Six-ish weeks.
Are you looking forward to anything right now?
--The next time I'm in the con practice rooms and not alone
What time do you normally go to bed?
-At least 1.
What are you wearing right now?
-my hoodie, and my kitty jammies.
What's the last thing you ate?
-roommate's handing out food XD
What is your favorite song?
-Amazing Grace on bagpipes.
Got any big plans for this week?
-Not really. I want to make plans...
Who did you see this weekend?
-Everyone! It was so wonderful!
Where are you right now?
-My dorm room... my chair... wishing for Parma
Why are you on facebook right now?
-Good question. Why AREN'T you?
Do you want to see someone right now?
-Oh yes. Badly.
If you answered yes to the last question, when will you next see the person you want to see?
-I don't know but I hope it's soon.
- As an advance warning, most of you will get pissed.
-
- tearful_whisper
- March 25th, 21:26
I don't want to be rude or disrespectful, and I obviously don't want to start an argument, but Barack Obama has little respect for laws or for any behavior that most people would consider requisite for a sustainable information economy. To organize my discussion, I suggest that we take one step back in the causal chain and educate the public on a range of issues. I have begged his disciples to step forth and improve the lot of humankind. To date, not a single soul has agreed to help in this fashion. Are they worried about how Obama might retaliate? No, don't guess; this isn't audience participation day. I'll just tell you. But before I do, you should note that everyone ought to read my award-winning essay, "The Naked Aggression of Barack Obama". In it, I chronicle all of Obama's platitudes from the irritable to the militant and conclude that some people have said that it is impracticable to empower the oppressed to control their own lives without exploiting the inner unity of our national will. Maybe. But I'm more inclined to believe that I believe I have found my calling. My calling is to restore the world back to its original balance. And just let him try and stop me.
The problem as I see it is not a question of who the kleptomaniacs of this society are but rather that the justification Obama gave for destroying our moral fiber was one of the most scummy justifications I've ever heard. It was so scummy, in fact, that I will not repeat it here. Even without hearing the details you can still see my point quite clearly: Obama's lynch mob appears to be growing in number. I decidedly pray that this is analogous to the flare-up of a candle just before extinction yet I keep reminding myself that with Obama so forcefully turning dorks loose against us good citizens, things are starting to come to a head. That's why we must shelter initially unpopular truths from suppression, enabling them to ultimately win out through competition in the marketplace of ideas. I don't want to make any hard and final judgments, but if we let Obama oppress, segregate, and punish others, then greed, corruption, and plagiarism will characterize the government. Oppressive measures will be directed against citizens. And lies and deceit will be the stock-in-trade of the media and educational institutions.
In its annual report on unforgiving incidents, the government concluded that the purpose of this letter is far greater than to prove to you how inane and misguided Obama has become. The purpose of this letter is to get you to start thinking for yourself, to start thinking about how we must catalogue his swindles and perversions. If we fail then all of our sacrifices and all of the dreams and sacrifices of our ancestors will have been in vain. The key is to realize that Obama is an inspiration to debauched braggarts everywhere. They panegyrize his crusade to insult my intelligence and, more importantly, they don't realize that there is still hope for our society, real hope—not the false sense of hope that comes from the mouths of featherbrained perjurers but the hope that makes you eager to dole out acerbic criticism of Obama and his phalanx of haughty, untoward cringers. Obama's sophistries do not represent progress. They represent insanity masquerading as progress. As for the lies and exaggerations, Obama's followers like to say, "Obama answers to no one." Such frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. If someone wants me to believe something sleazy like that, that person will have to show me some concrete evidence. Meanwhile, I intend to show you that it's our responsibility to help people see Obama's intemperate, dim-witted bons mots for what they are. That's the first step in trying to lead us all toward a better, brighter future, and it's the only way to transform our culture of war and violence into a culture of peace and nonviolence. Everything I've written in this letter amounts to this: Barack Obama was warned by his own lapdogs not to deprive individuals of the right to break the mold and stray from the path of conventional wisdom.
(generated by a computer)
- Class Schedule for next semester
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- tearful_whisper
- March 25th, 0:22
Monday
Fuck my life. Note the massive amount of cross-campus running I will be doing for Monday and Wednesday.
9:20-10:10
Legal Environment of Organizations
--Kamm
10:40-11:30
History of Opera
--Kulas 301
12:00-12:50
Intro to Marketing
--Kamm
1:00-1:50
18th Century Counterpoint
--Kulas 305
4:15-5:30
College Choir
--Chapel
Tuesday
10:00-11:20
Opera Workshop 7
--Chamber Hall
1:00-2:15
Intro to Conducting
--Kulas 112
3:00-4:15
Acting for Non-Theatre Majors (aud)
--Kleist 220
Wednesday
9:20-10:10
Legal Environment of Organizations
--Kamm
10:40-11:30
History of Opera
--Kulas 301
12:00-12:50
Intro to Marketing
--Kamm
1:00-1:50
18th Century Counterpoint
--Kulas 305
4:15-5:30
College Choir
--Chapel
Thursday
10:00-11:20
Opera Workshop 7
1:00-2:15
Intro to Conducting
3:00-4:15
Acting for Non-Theatre Majors (aud)
Friday
9:20-10:10
Legal Environment of Organizations
--Kamm
12;00-12:50
Intro to Marketing
--Kamm
4:15-5:30
College Choir
--Gamble Auditorium
